Feeling Defeated

It always seems like I get into funks after school hours, when I'm home on my own time doing my own thing. The other day I was talking with Robbie and he said, "I love reading your blog, because most of your blogs are so upbeat."

Since that conversation, I've been thinking. Have I just placed another mask over my face? Instead of this being a mask that I wear in public, is this a mask that I've been wearing on the internet? My conclusion is that for the most part I am very upbeat and positive and that's only because of the work that He's been doing in my life, but I also have battles where I am not feeling upbeat, but quiet the contrary, and for the most part I feel sorry for myself.

I'm fighting against being dragged down into my own pity party more often than not recently. I'm getting sucked into the world again. It's almost the beginning of May and colleges are nearing the end of their semesters and well, I still don't have a job, and not only for right now but for next year. If I didn't think that this process of finding a job was hard already it's only going to get harder because an entire new graduating class is going to be seeking employment as well.

To add to my feeling of defeat my dad arrived home today and told me that he had some bad news. He told met I am going to need to begin researching individual health care plans. Well, dang it! He says, "Be prepared to pay $525 a month." To which I responded, "If I had an extra $525 a month, I would be buying a car."

I thought that this new health care plan was suppose to aid people in obtaining health care, not make it harder for them. Honestly, I'm unemployed (for the most part. I'm not a full time employee therefore I do not qualify for benefits) so how am I suppose to pay $525 a month for health care?

I must say that health insurance is very low on my list of things that I want to spend money on. I have 2 student loans, car insurance, day to day expenses and a car that is constantly needing something fixed. So my immediate response in how to spend my money would to be to pay off my bills as quickly as possible because well, I don't want to pay any more money in interest than I already am, and then when I'm finished with my student loans then I'm going to buy a car that does not make funny noises when you first start it, have a broken glove box and a leak in the floor so that when it rains it looks like I have a pond in the passenger side of my car. After I get a new car or at least a newer car, I NEED TO MOVE OUT! I mean don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but I need to move on with my life. I miss being able to cook what I want when I want and doing what I want when I want, having friends over what I want, making noise till 1am if I want without having to worry about waking Do I have my priorities lined up correctly? I can't say that they are perfectly lined up but, I would like to think that I have a pretty good handle on them. (Please respond if you think otherwise, to help me understand that I'm wrong.)

I was encouraged this afternoon when I received a phone call for an interview for a job next year! But, then I realized that it was for a maternity leave position and then I wasn't as excited as I had been before. If you asked me to fill that spot last year I would have been jumping for joy, but I've been a long term sub already. I want a full time job in a classroom that I can call my own, where the students aren't asking me why I have to leave. I'm feeling so selfish, but at this point, I can't really help it.

Well, there it is, that's how I'm really feeling right now! It's all out there, I'm taking the invisible mask off and exposing my thoughts to the world!

Thankful Thursday Week 9

I'm not going to lie, this week was sort of hard for me...the fact that I'm unemployed and feel useless hit me this week, so forgive me if I'm not as perky with my thankfulness.....

1.) The Pretty flowers! This week, I just kept seeing so many vibrant colors in the flowers! I love spring, almost as much as I love summer!

2.) Days off in which to spend time with friends.

3.) Panera: Asian Sesame Chicken Salad and Broccoli Cheddar Soup....mmmmmm

4.) Job postings

5.) Warm Weather: Today especially because earlier in the week it was cold and rainy and man did I miss the warm weather.

6.) New Guitar Strings

7.) Worship Leader Conferences: I learned a ton at the conference last weekend!

8.) School's almost over and the college kids are going to start coming home soon!

9.) My cell phone: I keep in contact with so many people because of it and I don't know what I would do without it sometimes!

10.) My Small Group Ladies: The bond that has fostered over the last year has been an unbelievable blessing in my life and I'm thankful for them every day!

Can you take some time out today to be thankful?

Song of the Week #6: Your Love Never Fails

It's been a few weeks since I did a Song of the Week post, but here it is!

So, this song has really been resonating with me recently. This past year has been a year of ups and downs. I graduated college with a sweet degree (I mean come on, I want to teach music for a living, how cool is that job going to be.), I interned at my church (One of the most amazing things that I've ever been able to do.), I landed a long term sub position for 5 months because there weren't any full time jobs for me, and well, all of a sudden that job was over. Just like that. I mean, Come on God, why now? I was just getting used to the job and everything that comes with it and you take it away now? Well, in that time, He's been teaching me a lot about His timing and what He wants for my life and so this song has just brought me so much comfort!

"He makes all things, work together for my good." Romans 8:28 (Paraphrased)

"Nothing can separate, even if I run away." Romans 8:38 (Paraphrased)
"Your Love Never Fails." 1 Corinthians 13:8 (Paraphrased)

How amazing are these promises? It's easy for us to feel sorry about our situations, and it's easy for us to let those around us think that we're doing okay with certain things, but why are we being phony? Why do we need to have other's believe that we've got it all together?

We don't need to have it all together, and the sweetest things is that when we don't have it all together these promises are even more comforting!

So, check out this song of the week! It's written by Chris McClarney!

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good

Thankful Thursday Week 8

I can't believe that it's been 2 months since I started this journey in blogging! I've found that writing out my thoughts, helps me to process them, and in the end I've started seeing changes in my life! How SWEET!

So here's this weeks version of Thankful Thursday:

1.) Sunshine- it has been one of the sunniest and warmest Aprils that I can ever remember

2.) Conviction- God's been showing me a lot about myself recently and how much garbage there is still in my life and although it hurts to admit it, coming out of the refining fire is fantastic!

3.) "Facedown" by Matt Redman- Just finished the book this week. If you're involved with worship at all you need to read this!

4.) Skype- it's become my new AIM. I get to talk with friends no matter if they are 1/4 mile dow the road, 5 hours north of me or half way around the world in China!

5.) Clouds- Yesterday I started a new book called "When Women Worship" and in that book there is a story about a girl who lives in the desert and her car breaks down and she passes out from the heat. The story continues but that's the part where the clouds make the difference. Can you imagine how hot our world would be if we didn't have clouds. We get rain from clouds so that everything is green and it can grow and produce food, so if we didn't have clouds we too would probably be living in a desert.

6.) Quiet time in my car at the park- I haven't been able to spend as much time in the park this week as I wanted to, so the time that I do get to spend is even more precious!

7.) Texting- I love keeping up with my friends at a split second...I love hearing what's going on in their lives at that very instant

8.) Being Challenged- Each week we're being challenged more and more as a worship team, and it's been an amazing journey! This past sunday was indescribable! I'm so expectant about this upcoming weekend!

9.) It's Late April- That means that the college kids are going to be coming home soon! That means, that I'm not going to be an only child in my house anymore! WOOOHOOOOO (There should be laws against seeing your brother once every 4 months)

10.) MY ROOMATE- She sent me a surprise card this week, and it obviously made my day! She's so amazing like that!

What are you thankful for? Have you been taking the Thankful Thursday challenge? If not, what's holding you back?

You should all check out my brothers blog and check out his challenge. http://blmcelroy12.blogspot.com/2010/04/coffee.html

Taking Inventory, opening many boxes

So, this last week has been a little dull and I just didn't know what to write about, well that is until today!

So, I finished the book "Facedown" by Matt Redman, it was mind blowing! There are aspects of worship that I'd never even thought about! He included so many great verses and images and stories that really made the book feel alive (It's non-fiction). I honestly had to read one chapter at a time so that I could digest what he was talking about! So, if you haven't read this book, you need to read it and read it slowly!

It's not just for worship leaders, its for anyone who worships! It will give you a greater insight about worship and how God views worship and how you can worship!

So, since I had a eye opening talk a few weeks ago, I guess it may be about 3 now, I've been spending a lot of time at the park, just reading the Word, and praying and listening and looking at nature and thinking, God this is so stinking sweet. Well this last week has been a little rough. I've sort of been doing that, but the other day I reclined my seat in the car and started praying and next thing I know 30 minutes had gone by, and well I know that I hadn't been praying that long, I fell asleep. How could I fall asleep? Well, I guess I set myself up for failure, I reclined my seat, the windows were open and I was looking right into the sun so it was really nice and warm in my car. See, failure!

Yesterday I tried it in a coffee shop and well, I didn't get to concentrate too much. For one my friend works there and we're always talking and I can never get quiet there. So, when I was finally starting to get quiet, this middle aged woman walks in with her elderly mother and she is talking quite loudly. So naturally I'm getting a little annoyed because it's hard for me to concentrate normally and now this woman is coming in and she's talking loudly and asking questions because she's never been there before. So they come inside and naturally the like what they see and grab something to eat and drink and then decide to sit down. Because there are people in the back room they sit at a bench next to me. I start thinking great, now I'm really not going to get anything done. Well, I soon realize that this woman's mother is probably suffering from some kind of dementia. So, this lady starts talking quite loudly and I'm getting more upset and I get up and talk to my friend for a second and come back and she still keeps talking. After a while she starts talking to me. Well it wasn't until she left that I was like, Meaghan what is your problem. You're probably one of the only people she talks to all day. Her mother is off in her own little world and doesn't know what's really happening to her right then and there. So naturally I'm upset with myself for not being welcoming to this woman and more pleasant when she was talking to me.

Thanks God for the conviction.

So, today I'm at the park, it's raining outside but I haven't spent time there since probably Monday so I'm looking forward to it. Well, I'm writing things down and He's revealing stuff and I'm like okay God just show me what else I'm doing wrong, well that is like opening pandora's box. Let me just tell you that I've now been listing things in my head and then other things have happened. Like, yesterday I found out some really good information and immediately I was on the phone talking to my friends and telling them and well the first thing I read today while in the park is James 3 and it's titled controlling your tongue. OH MAN!

So, now I'm going to make a written list, because He's telling me exactly what I was asking about! So, now it's time to do something about it.

Do you need to make a list? Do you need to listen? Be careful, but in the end, it's going to be amazingly worth it!

I'm excited that tomorrow's Thankful Thursday!

Thankful Thursday Week 7

I love Thursdays! I'm so excited to be writing this post from my favorite coffee shop in town!

This week I'm thankful for:

1.) Guitar Playing afternoons at church with some of my favorite people.

2.) Women in Worship Network: http://womeninworshipnetwork.com/ The Site is run by Vicky Beeching, and it's pretty neat to connect with other women who are involved with worship.

3.) Reading other people's blogs!

4.) Working, I've had a lot of work this week!

5.) Bible Study Girls: I love that we can share whatever is going on in our lives with one another and we can lift each other up daily!

6.) This amazing April Weather!

7.) The Beach

8.) Skype

9.) Sweet Endings: It's an amazing little coffee shop in my town that I love to hang out at! Plus, the people who work they're are pretty awesome!

10.) Schooley's Mountain Park: It's a pretty sweet county park in my town that it really cool and its really quiet so God and I can have a lot of really awesome times together!

Happy Thursday! What are you Thankful for?

Beach Visit on April 11th?

While sitting in church yesterday morning, I leaned over to my friend to ask her what she was doing, and she generated quite a laundry list of things, and then she asked me what I was doing, and I said, I have no idea, but I really want to go to the beach! Well, that was the end of it, we decided that we would spend the gorgeous April afternoon at the beach!

Do I really live in NJ? Because, normally we're still cold and it's raining, but on April 11th I went to the beach and I wore my bathing suit and I got a little pink on my back!

I love the beach! It's so relaxing, I got to take my first beach nap of 201o!

I have already decided that this must happen a lot this year! I miss just running down to the beach for a few hours! I love living so close to the beach! I also need to invest in a beach chair so that I can get even color for the first time in my life! I've better start working my my base tan before my cruise in July! Oh I can't wait for it!

Quiet

Umm.........it's amazing how much He speaks when you're actually quiet! Do you ever try not talking and just listening?

Thankful Thursday Week 6

The 6th Edition!

1.) Bright, Cheerful, Warm, Sunny Spring Days!

2.) New Life: I've been amazed by the flowers this year and the new frog that's appeared in my parents pond!

3.) Growth: There has been a lot of growth in my life over the past year! It's been such an awesome journey and I can't wait to see where He takes me in the years to come!

4.) Teachers who are your Advocates and Mentors!

5.) Reconnecting with Old Friends

6.) Expectations: I've had a lot of high expectations for many past and upcoming events and I haven't been let down yet! WOOHOO

7.) The Internet: I don't know how this whole job thing would be going without it! I spend hours on the internet looking for jobs and finding addresses and it's amazing how easy it is!

8.) Ceiling Fans: We haven't put the screens in our windows yet, so I don't want to keep them open at night for fear of bats joining me, so I'm grateful that I have a fan in my room that creates an awesome breeze!

9.) Easter: This Easter was awesome! The Worship Experience Sunday morning was electric! I'm so thankful that we have Easter!

10.) My Car: as much as I complain about it, Grandpa gets me to and from many places and we've had many adventures together over the past 6 years! He's been pretty faithful to me! Now, I just need him to hang in there about another year so that I can save up money to buy a car and move out!

This week has been a journey.....what are you thankful for?

Song of the Week #5- Holding Nothing Back

Well, if you know anything about me you know that I'm somewhat of a social network junkie. I'm on facebook and twitter and I have this blog but most recently I've joined as site called Women in Worship Network. (http://womeninworshipnetwork.com/) It's organized and maintained by Vicky Beeching. She is a worship leader from the UK. (Her accent is pretty sweet!) So, she had this great idea to create this site for Women who are involved with worship. You don't have to be a worship leader, you can just be a woman who enjoys worship or you can be involved with worship.

Anyway, while checking out the site, I found a forum about song lists for easter. The women who are a part of the site posted their set lists for easter services. I came across this one song in particular that I was intrigued with probably because it was recorded by Jesus Culture. It's called "Holding Nothing Back." It's originally by Tim Hughes and well he's a genius so you can't go wrong with anything by him. Anyway, I found a video of Jesus Culture singing this song and I was caught by the end of the chorus.

The words are not complicated or elaborate, they just spoke to my heart today! So here's "Holding Nothing Back" originally by Tim Hughes.

I am chosen I am free, I am living for eternity, Free now forever You pick me up, turn me around You set my feet on solid ground, Yours now forever

Nothing’s gonna hold me back Nothing’s gonna hold me back   Nothing’s gonna hold me back

My chains fell off my heart was free I’m alive to live for You I’m alive to live for You Amazing love how can it be?  You gave everything for me You gave everything for me Everything  You’ve washed my sin and shame away,  the slate is clean a brand new day Free now forever  Now boldly I approach Your throne,  to claim this crown through Christ my own Yours now forever  

Free to live Free to give Free to be I’m free to love You [Last time only – Lord]

I love my Small Group

Wow, it's been amazing to see the transformation of our small group in the last few months! I felt like we had record numbers last night for during a school year! We had 11 people there last night and the conversation was so engaging!

A few months ago we started Max Lucado's study on Acts. I didn't really know what to think of it at first because up to that point it was really only the girls who had ever used books to lead their bible studies and now this was going to be a new experience, and I was just a little nervous! But, I had nothing to be nervous about! Last night we finished up our study on Acts Chapter 8 which is the story of Philip and the Ethiopian Eunuch. I have to tell you, I've probably studied that specific chapter about 3 times thus far in my life, and last week and this week were totally eye opening!

I've never put a lot of effort into learning more about the Holy Spirit, and finding out how He works, but this studied has broadened my understanding of Him. It's because of Him that our conversations have been stretched and we've gotten to bond as a group! We're sharing stories and being real and honest and truthful! It's fantastic!

After that we get to have prayer time separated from one another! This is my favorite part of the night! This time is so precious to me! We get to share with each other what we've been going through over the last week. We get to sympathize and empathize with each other but we also get to rejoice with one another! The more time we get to spend together the closer we all get and the more comfortable we become and thus the more transparent we are!

Transparent isn't a word that I would have used a few years ago, because I just wanted to keep my problems to myself, but after getting smacked upside the head a few times last week, I'm becoming ever increasingly aware about the importance of being transparent. I've been finding out that the more transparent that I am, the more that is revealed to me about myself. When I'm talking about one thing, God links a thought to something else that needs work too! It's really super cool!

So, try it! Try being transparent with someone! See how God pulls you and stretches you and reveals things to you that you didn't even know about!

What a day!

When I woke up this morning I didn't think that today would turn out the way it did! I didn't realize that He had a mission today to do work, but boy did He do work in me today! It has been exhausting, exciting, frustrating, and amazing all at the same time! I found out things about myself that I didn't even know were there.

My new word for life at this moment is: TRUST

I wish I had guts like my twin to tattoo it across my foot like her word! But, I don't have those kind of guts so, for right now, I'll just write it everywhere!

Are you willing to be open for Him to do work?

Thankful Thursday Week 5

This past week has been crazy. I've been here there and everywhere! I've watched 3 different dogs this weekend, and it was pretty fantastic! So here are my thoughts, this week!

I am thankful for:

1.) My Car: last friday I was without it and I missed my freedom to go where I want, when I want all day long!

2.) Freedom

3.) Washing Machines

4.) Weddings: A friend got married this weekend and it was beautiful! They were so gracious and asked me to sing at their wedding and I was honored! I'm so happy for them both and wish them all the best!

5.) Snail Mail: I got a very unexpected note in the mail yesterday and it just brought a smile to my face!

6.) Gluten Free Broccoli and Beef Stir-Fry: It's so good! I could eat it all the time!

7.) Songs that just send you into a deep thought. They just speak to you in ways that you've never understood and it's such a wonderful feeling!

8.) Waking up in the morning, with the sun already shinning through.

9.) Infection Free Eyes: I've been fighting an infection in my eye since October and I think it's finally gone! Take that stupid infection!

10.) Small Group: We are having the most amazing time together and learning so much! I love them and what they have to offer each and every week and I love the girls who can share details of life with each other and honestly care about you!

it's been a fantastic week! What are you thankful for?

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