Feeling Defeated

It always seems like I get into funks after school hours, when I'm home on my own time doing my own thing. The other day I was talking with Robbie and he said, "I love reading your blog, because most of your blogs are so upbeat."

Since that conversation, I've been thinking. Have I just placed another mask over my face? Instead of this being a mask that I wear in public, is this a mask that I've been wearing on the internet? My conclusion is that for the most part I am very upbeat and positive and that's only because of the work that He's been doing in my life, but I also have battles where I am not feeling upbeat, but quiet the contrary, and for the most part I feel sorry for myself.

I'm fighting against being dragged down into my own pity party more often than not recently. I'm getting sucked into the world again. It's almost the beginning of May and colleges are nearing the end of their semesters and well, I still don't have a job, and not only for right now but for next year. If I didn't think that this process of finding a job was hard already it's only going to get harder because an entire new graduating class is going to be seeking employment as well.

To add to my feeling of defeat my dad arrived home today and told me that he had some bad news. He told met I am going to need to begin researching individual health care plans. Well, dang it! He says, "Be prepared to pay $525 a month." To which I responded, "If I had an extra $525 a month, I would be buying a car."

I thought that this new health care plan was suppose to aid people in obtaining health care, not make it harder for them. Honestly, I'm unemployed (for the most part. I'm not a full time employee therefore I do not qualify for benefits) so how am I suppose to pay $525 a month for health care?

I must say that health insurance is very low on my list of things that I want to spend money on. I have 2 student loans, car insurance, day to day expenses and a car that is constantly needing something fixed. So my immediate response in how to spend my money would to be to pay off my bills as quickly as possible because well, I don't want to pay any more money in interest than I already am, and then when I'm finished with my student loans then I'm going to buy a car that does not make funny noises when you first start it, have a broken glove box and a leak in the floor so that when it rains it looks like I have a pond in the passenger side of my car. After I get a new car or at least a newer car, I NEED TO MOVE OUT! I mean don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but I need to move on with my life. I miss being able to cook what I want when I want and doing what I want when I want, having friends over what I want, making noise till 1am if I want without having to worry about waking Do I have my priorities lined up correctly? I can't say that they are perfectly lined up but, I would like to think that I have a pretty good handle on them. (Please respond if you think otherwise, to help me understand that I'm wrong.)

I was encouraged this afternoon when I received a phone call for an interview for a job next year! But, then I realized that it was for a maternity leave position and then I wasn't as excited as I had been before. If you asked me to fill that spot last year I would have been jumping for joy, but I've been a long term sub already. I want a full time job in a classroom that I can call my own, where the students aren't asking me why I have to leave. I'm feeling so selfish, but at this point, I can't really help it.

Well, there it is, that's how I'm really feeling right now! It's all out there, I'm taking the invisible mask off and exposing my thoughts to the world!